It’s Happening Again
It’s happening again…the same insecurities revisiting me…those terrible voices that say things to undermine who I am, my worth, my ability to love and be loved. I hate them.
Being so far out on a limb like I am is fun and exciting and terrifying. I call it the “rollercoaster of life”. I love the ups, and most times I even enjoy the downs (although I might scream like the girl I am on the way down.) Sometimes, I hate the downs.
Check that – I’m not even really in a “down” – I’m only anticipating the down. My whole life and future are precariously perched on the tippy-top of a mighty hill and the slightest shift in weight is going to send me careening over. This morning I woke up in that familiar cold sweat that sends shivers down me spine at the thoughts of what might happen.
Today I choose to fight it. I make the conscious decision to stop this cycle of swirling thoughts my mind does as it attempts to find ways to protect myself from the “what if’s”. My mind races to try to find possible justifications for giving up. The only thing this cycle is telling me is that I’m afraid of the unknown future again. I’m afraid of messing all this up and, in effect, throwing a big wrench in God’s eternal plan for someone, somehow. I’m afraid when all is said and done I’m going to look like a fool. (OH – too late for that…)
I’m afraid what I have to give is not enough…
Today, I choose to cling to the only hope I really ever have in this life – Jesus. It’s all in His hands anyway. I’m pretty sure He isn’t surprised at my weaknesses. I’m pretty sure He understands why fear gripes me. I think He’s quite sure I can’t mess up His perfect plan for all eternity.
SO…you got me world…just as I am today. Here are my qualifications. Not a terribly impressive list – but it’s all I have. I choose not to wait until I’m a better Christ follower, or more effective, or with better qualifications. I choose not to wait. I choose to fight the fear. I choose to believe in hope.
What makes you afraid? And what is God telling you about your fear today?
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
